before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I feel seen
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.