My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Facebook Twitter
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.