Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.