I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Who knew!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.