advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.