[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
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wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*