My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
jesus, what did this guy do
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?