[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”