[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: