*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.