*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
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Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???