4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
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11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Hmm, not sure about this change
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message