My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
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Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing