a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
You Might Also Like
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.