Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
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I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
emergency phone
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)