At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
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Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
This a good idea
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.