Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
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me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.