Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
the simulation is moving too fast
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.