Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
#parenting
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.