My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
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if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.