If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
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[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife