LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you