15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
asked my bf how work was today
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle