Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
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THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far