I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Bill is short for Billiam
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF