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My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
mentally somewhere in italy
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My hips? Compulsive liars.