I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.