[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
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This guy gets it.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
we’re dead?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.