[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
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Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
This story is comedy gold 😂
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.