If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
mathematically impossible
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
❤️🦆
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
very niche meme I made
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
reduce, reuse, recycle
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.