All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.