I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.