I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
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My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I bet
#Caturday
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.