Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie