Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.