Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!