People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
True
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Wait a second…
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa