there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Quadruple digit IQ
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”