The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
You Might Also Like
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*