In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
How high do the levels go?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
The future is now.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones