I drew y’all a little something.
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
And bowling should be called pinball
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers