“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
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My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)