mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Why is everyone getting married at me
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.