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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
marvel comics have peaked
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.