Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
You Might Also Like
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff