Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.