Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
You Might Also Like
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.