Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.