My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
happy mother’s day❤️
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.