THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
same energy
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.